Stunslinger.com Blog

Well, I guess it’s really Back Like Avoiding A Heart Attack. I finally got back into the gym today. That’s right, I’m trying to focus more on this thing people call fitness. For some reason once I get out of the habit of working out I find every reason in the world to skip the gym one more time. I decide that my schedule just doesn’t allow it, that I really need to sleep an extra hour, that those stupid stare-in-the-mirror jocks will be taking up all the free weights, or that I really need to see what happens on Jerry Springer (ok, that one’s a bit untrue…do they even have Springer on TV anymore?).

According to my schedule, Tuesdays are cardio days, so I proceeded to the elliptical machine area. The problem is that proper spacing etiquette didn’t help me pick a machine. Just like in urinal etiquette, there is a certain way you are supposed to space yourselves out between the machines. Certainly everyone knows the inviolable rule–unless you have no other option, you pick a machine that lets you have a one machine buffer zone between you and the next person. If you want to have fun, sometime go into a gym (or bathroom) and walk over to a row of machines (or urinals) that is completely empty except for one, and pick one machine (urinal) immediately next to the solitary person. It is just not done. So I walk over to the elliptical machines and I have two options: between two ladies, or next to one lady on the end. Now, the secondary rule of positioning etiquette is that when the first rule must be violated (when you can’t institute the buffer) you only pick a space between people if there are no end spaces open. So, the secondary rule would tell you that I should pick the end spot next to only one lady, as opposed to the open space between two ladies. However, one more data point: the end spot is also immediately in front of a mirror. This messes with the rules, because anyone who uses an elliptical machine in front of a mirror obviously enjoys staring at him/herself and is therefore the most vain person in the world. This is to be avoided.

So what did I do? I picked the spot between the two ladies, but made sure to indicate to them that I did, indeed, know this was less than optimal, by staring straight ahead (out the window) looking down only to adjust my iPod. This is nonverbal submissive behavior and is like wearing a sign that says, “I know this is a minor violation, and I’m not any more happy about it than you.”

I still haven’t figured out how to properly drink from my Nalgene water bottle while “running” on the elliptical. You see, I don’t have any water bottles laying around, so I just take my Nalgene. But, unfortunately, the Nalgene has a mouth opening approximately the diameter of a firehose, which makes drinking while “running” sloppy. I do have an opening insert that makes a small sipping area, but it also has an opening at the top for air (much like when you poke two holes in a can to pour out the contents), which tends to act like a sprinkler as I “run” and drink. Luckily I usually sweat so much it’s hard to distinguish the sweat from the Nalgene sprinkles. Finally, an upside to turning beet red and sweating buckets when exercising. Yay.

Went to a BBQ at a park near the Columbia River in Portland today. I must say I was a bit skeptical, I didn’t know if the park would justify the hour drive to get there…but it did. I can’t say the weather was great, but it wasn’t raining and was a comfortable temperature, so no complaints there. The park was pretty cool, it’s on a lake and they have paddle boats, archery, and other activities in which I did not participate. They have these little BBQ areas which are helpfully numbered so you can say, “hey, meet us at area #7.” That would be helpful, except for some odd reason the BBQ areas seem to be numbered randomly. We actually were at #7, which was sandwiched by #10 and #16. Great. Perhaps it’s some sort of mathematical equation, an algorithm that, when understood, allows you to seemlessly navigate the park blindfolded. Probably not.

Kids. There were so many kids running around the park, I think they outnumbered adults 15 to 1, which says something about adult supervision…or rather the lack thereof. At one point several of us noticed a youngster, we guessed about 2 years old, walking down the path past our tables. We looked up the path expecting to see adults following him, yet there were none. In fact, we watched him walk across the park and over to a group of adults who seemed to know him. I say “seemed” because after saying, “Oh, good, he’s with those people”, we realized that they could be abducting him for all we knew. Just because some adults walked up to him and took him by the hand, we assumed that they’re his parents/family/babysitters/not-kidnappers. Perhaps I underestimate the self-defense abilities of two year olds, but for some reason I think they should be supervised somewhat closely. Maybe it’s because I’m not a parent… or maybe it’s because I’m rational. After seeing this, those news stories about 3 year olds wandering away from their family in the woods and being lost for a week make more sense. We also saw this sweet family walk by, the dad and son had matching pony tails that went halfway down their backs, the mom stood close by smoking a cigarette. Then we realized that the son was really a daughter as the mom bent over to put on the top of the young child’s bathing suit. Fortunately for this son daughter, the mom kept her lit cigarette in her mouth while performing this operation, which placed the orange ash inches from the son’s daughter’s mouth. Why wait until their teenage years to start your child smoking? Blow second hand smoke in their faces before they can talk, and they’ll be so used to it they won’t cough when they and their friends experiment with cigarettes and other smoking substances, ensuring they will rise up the cool meter. You, my friend, are an awesome parent!

This brings me to my crowning moment(s) of the day: touch football and ultimate frisbee. In case you don’t know, I am the best player ever to grace the parks in these two games. Here’s my strategy, it’s easy for you to follow, and you too can impress the hell out of your friends!

• First, stand around like you aren’t that excited about playing, you must reinforce this throughout the game by asking for water/air/avoiding-heart-attack breaks. Put your hands in your pockets, it really sells it.
• Next, dazzle with your amazing physical prowess by throwing non-spiral football passes and letting the frisbee drop out of your hands. This shows the others that you truly are better than them.
• As a further demonstration of your physical abilities, allow your face to turn four different shades of red as you play and begin sweating profusely. Your soaking wet shirt and tomato red face assert your dominance. Breathing heavy helps sell it.

After you’ve done this for what seems like an eternity, take a break and realize you’ve been playing Ultimate Frisbee for 30 minutes. You deserve a break!

I actually did have a great time, even though I had to dominate all of the other players on the field. Here’s to getting outside and doing something other than watching TV and blogging!

It’s been 15 days since I last had caffeine. I’m not ready to kill anyone, although I came close to it at 7-Eleven this morning and afternoon.

It’s strange, I don’t mind the taste of caffeine free diet pop…honestly I can barely tell a difference. But for some reason I know that I’m missing out on something and it bugs me. Slowly, quietly, incessantly: “This is just temporary, two weeks is good enough, have a diet Coke, it’s no big deal.” I like to say that I stopped because I was giving myself an anxiety disorder. Really I was just exaggerating normal school stress, but it sounds so much more interesting as a disorder. I started clenching my jaw so hard that I would wake up with sore teeth, afraid I had a cavity, even with the rubber bite plate in my mouth. Yep, I already wear a rubber bite plate thingy at night so that I don’t grind my teeth all flat like those island guys in Endless Summer. That started when I began this stressful life many refer to as “graduate school.” So there I was, drinking caffeinated beverages to get through classes, meetings, supervisions, testings, homework and giving myself an anxiety disorder.

On to being close to killing at 7-Eleven. Ok, so in case you don’t know, I’m a pacifist. Another thing you may or may not know: it’s Lent. As a Quaker (really a Friend, but better known to the world as a Quaker) I don’t get into ritual for ritual’s sake. Many of my friends celebrate rituals (and I am not accusing them of losing the meaning, I do believe they celebrate these rituals for the right reasons) like Lent and they were trying to figure out what I need to give up. Finally, someone stumbled upon it: pacifism. I need to give up non-violence for Lent. Hmm. I thought about randomly attacking people on the street and in malls, but decided that would cause legal problems that I really wouldn’t enjoy. But if I was provoked, could even label it as self defense, then maybe I could really get in some gratuitous violence!

So I arrived at my practicum (read neuropsychological testing done for free, I mean experience) site early and decided to pop into 7-Eleven up the street to satisfy my psychological addiction to drinking pop* (even non-caffeinated pop). So I walk in to the store where I have purchased caffeine free Diet Pepsi and Diet Coke on several occasions. What do I find? Empty. Crap. The only thing I could find that would suit my needs: Diet 7-Up. I haven’t drank this stuff since I was 9….well, I’d feel like an idiot walking into 7-Eleven and not being able to find something to buy, so I buy it. I mean, really, who can’t find something to buy at a 7-Eleven on a Monday morning?!? So I drank it, and it wasn’t horrible. I began to wonder if I could justify random violence because I couldn’t find a non-caffeinated pop of the brown variety. First the Twinkie Defense and now the “Where’s My Caffeine-Free Diet Pepsi/Coke? Defense”! I think it could work.

Certainly they’d have more selection by lunch. So I walked up the hill again. I saw the Pepsi truck parked promisingly outside, like a homing beacon. “You will find it here, young caffeine-free drinker!” I walked in, smiling at the counter-guy who scowled at me and walked into the back yelling at the Pepsi-guy that he left some crates behind. Over to the glass display case brimming full of…..regular…diet……more diet. WHERE’S MY CAFFEINE FREE?!? Nowhere to be found. Instead, they replaced the spots normally filled by my wonderful golden labeled, no caffeine added, libations, with brightly colored caffeinated varieties. So I grabbed another Diet 7-Up, paid and walked outside. Halfway back down the hill I realize it’s not even Diet 7-Up.

Crap.

* Yes, I call it pop. Not soda pop, not soda….pop. You can argue semantics all you want, it will always be pop in my book.

Ok, so I went to my friendly local doctor and now I know what is causing my shoulder pain: sub-deltoid bursitis. I must say I’m quite relieved it was not rotator cuff related, as that seems like a more difficult/serious problem. As it is, I need to take some anti-inflammatory drugs and go through range-of-motion exercises. The worst part is I can’t hit the weights for a couple of weeks.

Since I’ve had the pain, I realized how much I enjoy going to the gym every day. Considering my hatred of jocks/meatheads I never figured I’d be one who looks forward to working out. In fact, a couple of weeks ago I was doing some relaxation imagery and couldn’t settle on a relaxing image until I thought of the weight room. Bizarre. Probably because I don’t have to focus on anything more than each rep and set. Plus, there’s just a great feeling when you push yourself physically. I highly recommend it!

Speaking of, time to go to the gym and stare at the weight room while I do cardio. Sigh.

Alright, so I’ve been trying to better myself — eat less and exercise more, the basics. A few months ago my left arm would “go to sleep” at night if I had it stretched above my head. I didn’t think it was anything serious, just all these new muscles crowding my veins or something . So then a few weeks ago I started having some pain in my left shoulder when working out, especially doing bench presses and shoulder presses. Smartly, I kept on working out, although I did start stretching before going to the gym. Well, now it’s developed into a dull pain whenever I lift my left arm up above my head even when I’m not working out. So of course I freaked out this weekend. As of now, I’ve read a lot about shoulder problems and figure it’s probably a shoulder impingement. This is a good thing, as it’s not a rotator cuff tear as I feared late Saturday night. I’ve been resting it and putting heat on it, and I think it’s better now.

I still haven’t decided if I’m going to go to the doctor or not. Well, I probably should. Even though I’m fairly sure I know what he’ll say, it’s better to be safe than to have a greater problem and not know it. In fact, I’ll call for an appointment as soon as I’m done with this blog entry. Then I’ll probably have to rest it, heat it, and stretch it for a few weeks, and then it’s back to the weight rack I go!